


falling

by HC05



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Mentions, Angst, Exes to Lovers, Happy Ending, M/M, References to Depression, jeno is a song writer, renjun is a pianist, what more is there to say?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:40:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26790805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HC05/pseuds/HC05
Summary: Roses weren't the key to Renjun's heart; Jeno was.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno
Comments: 2
Kudos: 64





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> welcome to a new chaptered fic! this fic was impulsively inspired by the song falling by harry styles! 
> 
> hope you guys enjoy this journey with noren & i

His fingers graced the piano passionately, a dull ache in his heart fueling him to persist. The walls around him were black, filling the room with darkness, but his piano was blue with white spots patterned all over. The piano was a gift from Jeno, two years ago, when the latter was breaking up with him.

Two years later, he was sitting on stage, his back to the audience, as he played song upon song on the feeble instrument. His emotions were too much, but he willed himself to keep going, after all the audience didn’t care about the heartbreak behind his songs, they just wanted the perfect Huang Renjun, pianist of three years. The final song of the night began, the crowd in awe of his abilities, unaware of the fact that this was a song Jeno wrote for him. The song he’d wrote for their twelve month anniversary, singing it to him as he strummed his guitar. Renjun remembered that night too clearly, as if it was the only memory he had of his past lover. The emotions built up in him again, restricting itself in his throat as his fingers glided the piano. He looked into the crowd when the show was over, amongst the waving arms and unfamiliar faces, he saw him, Jeno sitting in the first row, a rose in hand, his warm smile glistening brighter than any light in the theatre. 

His manager greeted him once he left the stage, directing him to his dressing room to change and gather his things. He felt like a bombshell had just been dropped on him, and he couldn’t focus as his legs followed the impudent steps of his manager. She closed the door after he entered, telling him to leave before the next act arrives. His fingers found the edge of a chair, breathing in and out to regain focus and lose the bleariness in his eyes, threatening tears willing themselves to fall. His chest burned whenever the image of Jeno resurfaced in his head. 

“Renjun.” She knocked from outside, “Are you done? The next act is here.”

  
  
“Just a moment.” He answered, shoving his things that lay on the bench into a bag, changing as fast as his tired heart would allow. 

A group of men occupied the dressing room after he left, greeting him briefly with their instruments on their possession. He didn’t recognise any of them, but greeted back, wishing them luck before pulling his bag closer to his chest as he exited the venue. Security guards surrounded him on the way to his company van, only allowing him to smile at fans. They held flowers and small bags as gifts out to him, but he couldn’t take them, he didn’t want to. He was just an ordinary person, he didn’t enjoy the idolisation he received. Pianist Renjun who smiled at cameras and performed for crowds night upon night wasn’t him, he was just Renjun when the prying eyes were gone. He was the boy next door who grew up with one friend, the boy who cared for his mother while his father drank his days away, and he’d always be the man who fell in love with Lee Jeno. His love for playing piano was fueled by his love for Jeno, fueled by the freedom the keys gave his broken love. 

He climbed into the van, watching the fans surround it like every other night. Amongst the crowd, he caught Jeno’s eye, noticing the rose in his hand. Jeno knew red roses were his favourite, but tonight, a white rose was grasped between the youngers’ fingers, taunting Renjun with its meaning.

He’d learnt the meanings behind every rose, despite only loving red roses. Red roses symbolised love, something Renjun held onto with every fibre, being a silent proclamation of love for someone. White roses were different — they symbolised remembrance but were a gesture of hope for something new. His breath caught in his throat as he realised what Jeno was aiming to achieve. It’d been two years since things ended, and he was well aware that he composed too many songs about Jeno, but he never expected Jeno to come back.

The van pulled away from the venue, dragging Renjun back into reality as Jeno’s face blended with the crowd, becoming another unfamiliar face to the boy. His phone vibrated in his pocket, lighting up the van. It was from Jeno, asking him if he could come over and talk things over with him. He wanted to say yes so badly, but he knew he shouldn’t, so his phone was shoved into his pocket again, the text going unanswered.

The following day was his day off, so he showered early in the morning and set off on a walk through his neighbourhood. He lived in the city, near his favourite lake, on the tenth floor of a building overseeing the rest of the city. He walked around the lake, scuffing his shoes along the pavement, watching the wind blow the water around. He entered his favourite coffee shop, ordering his regular cappuccino before sitting on a bench in front of the lake, sipping on the hot drink amongst the cold breeze. The hat on his head fitted comfortably, hugging his scalp as his clothes clung to his tiny body. The breeze soared around carelessly, not having presences other than Renjun’s to annoy. 

He finished his coffee, finding himself reaching into his pocket, dialing Jeno’s number. The rings tempted him to hang up, to forget about the boy, but the pounding of his heart prevented him from running. He didn’t want to run from the man he’d already fallen for. 

“Hello?”

  
  
“Jeno.” He breathed, testing how the syllables sound on his tongue after years of not muttering that name.

“Oh,” Jeno whispered, “Hi Jun.”

  
  
—

He knocked on the door, knuckles meeting the hard wood, a heavy breath releasing from his lungs. Jeno opened the door, a hesitant smile painting his face, Renjun smiled back, stepping into the small apartment. It’d changed since Renjun last saw it, walls painted white instead of the light blue it once was, furniture in different places than before. Jeno ushered him onto the couch, handing him a cup of tea. The memories of when they’d sit on his couch, fingers intertwined as cups of tea occupied their free hand, flooded Renjun and he found himself wondering what he was doing here. He shouldn’t be here, but at the same time, it felt too right. The walls may be a different colour now, and the furniture may be in new positions, but the presence of Jeno made up for it all; made him feel safe amongst the jumble.

They were quiet for a while, unsure on how to break the silence after months upon months of separation. Jeno’s hands grasped his cup, holding it securely, making Renjun yearn for the cup to be replaced with his own hands. He sipped his tea, sighing at the taste, loving the way Jeno made the brew. His fingers fiddled with the hem of his jacket, feeling worry dissolve through him as Jeno remained silent. He was never one to be quiet around Renjun.

“How are you?” Renjun croaked, wanting Jeno to look at him with the same familiar look he offered when they were together. He wanted the safety of their past back.

“I’ve been good.” Jeno answered, bobbing his head slightly, “I got into a producer company to write more songs just like I wanted to. How’s playing the piano going?”

  
  
“It’s just fine, paying the bills.” Renjun let out an awkward chuckle, “So you’re writing songs professionally now?”

Jeno answered positively, rambling on about his new career. Renjun tried to listen, but his brain refused to process the words that floated through the air, too distracted by the way Jeno’s lips moved in time with his words, the way his hands moved through the air to express himself and the way Renjun’s heart faltered every time Jeno smiled his way. He meant to come over just to find out why Jeno had shown up out of the blue, but instead, he found himself sitting in Jeno’s lounge room, tea placed aside, falling again. 

The time he used to spend with Jeno were memories that he held close to him, but they weren’t meant to build on themselves. They were supposed to just be memories, not be the start of something new in a love of the past. 

“Why did you show up last night?” Renjun interrupted, cringing when Jeno’s voice got caught in his throat, surprised by the question. He rubbed his hands together, a scarlet hue dusting his sculpted cheeks, comprehending the words.

Renjun waited with his mouth hanging, an expression overwhelming his face that Jeno had never seen before. The tension in the air was awkward, but it was so familiar nevertheless. His love for Jeno never flickered as the years passed, and rather was pushed aside as he figured himself out, finding a way to pursue his passion. 

The white rose appeared, clutched between Jeno’s slender fingers once more. Renjun breathed lowly, anticipating Jeno’s next words. He moved off the couch, standing before Renjun, desire mixed with ambition in his eyes.

“I wanted you to have this.” He said, handing it to him, “I saw one of your interviews about the song you composed, it was called Falling, and I knew it was about me, so I bought you this rose.”

  
  
“Why’d you wait so long?” Renjun asked. The song was about Jeno, and he was glad he could recognise that but he knew the interview was months ago. Jeno needed time too, but he was the one whose heart had been broken, he deserved an explanation at best.

Jeno sighed, running a hand through his hair like he always does when he’s nervous. Renjun watched him take a seat again, elbows resting on his knees. Renjun knew his habits all too well to know that he was distressed. He itched to do something to help, like he used to, but refrained, not wanting his actions to negate the atmosphere.

“I needed time.” Jeno answered, “I know that’s not what I deserve after I left, but I still needed it. We were in too deep, and I was too young to handle it Jun. I know you’re hurt, but of all people I know, you’re the most understanding.”

  
  
Renjun listened, not looking at Jeno so he wouldn’t become distracted. Jeno’s eyes begged for comfort, but their relationship was too fragmented to offer anything at that. The memories of their young love was enough to make Renjun want to kiss Jeno, holding him close like he used to. The setting almost felt like a dream, like Renjun’s brain was playing a mean trick on him to worsen the pain laced behind his aching heart. He wanted to run to get away from the horrible dream, but Jeno’s presence was too strong for him to believe that it was a dream.

Jeno was the bold one of the two. He wore his heart on his sleeve, conditionally expressing his love for Renjun no matter where they were. Today was no different, except Jeno was hesitant unlike before, debating with himself before grabbing Renjun’s hands with his soft fingers. Renjun looked at him, mouth open and eyes wide, as Jeno caressed his wrists. 

“A white rose gestures respect and remembrance, and symbolises hope for something new.” He mumbled, “But you already knew that, didn’t you?”

  
  
Renjun nodded, a lump forming in his throat as his heart poured out for Jeno. His hands grew clammy between Jeno’s, not prepared for the warmth of Jeno’s palms. He didn’t let go, instead tightening his grip while keeping his touch gentle.

“You loved red roses when we were together.” He said, looking into Renjun’s eyes with regret intertwining his words, “You learnt about all the meanings despite only liking red roses, and you still know all the meanings. Red roses are a classic way to tell someone you love them, that’s why I got you them every birthday and Valentine’s day.”

  
  
“And every Christmas.” Renjun added, voice softer than expected. 

He didn’t understand what Jeno was trying to do or what he was trying to pursue, but he went along with it, feeling the kind of nostalgia that wraps you up like a blanket and comforts you like a hot chocolate on a rainy day. His expression was vacant, but Jeno wasn’t disheartened by that, knowing the elder kept his emotions tucked away in a place only he could see. 

“I never told you why I left.” Jeno muttered, releasing Renjun’s hands in favour of raking his hands through his soft, brown hair again. Renjun waited, wanting Jeno to explain on his own accord. The different reasons that Renjun had thought up as the years passed resurfaced, seizing panic through his weary heart.

As Jeno explained, the song he’d listened to on repeat from the day Jeno gifted it played in the back of his head, making the situation more painful than it needed to be. Jeno’s words whisked through the air, meaning being forgotten again as Renjun imagined them in a different circumstance. Jeno would be lying across the couch, as Renjun sat on the end, fingers folding through Jeno’s hair as his head lay atop his lap. The sigh he let out paused Jeno’s words, making Renjun realise he wasn’t listening again.

Jeno brushed it off, assuring Renjun that he could repeat himself.

“I left because I was scared, and I know that’s a dumb reason, but I really was scared. We were so in love, and we were only twenty, we were still figuring ourselves out. I couldn’t handle being in love when I was unsure of myself and where I’d be without you.”

  
  
“The thing about relationships is they’re done together though. We weren’t just in love Jeno, we were there for each other.”

  
  
“I know Jun, don’t you think that’s why I left?” He hissed, sighing afterwards. Renjun watched his shoulders drop.

“I think we need more time apart.” He offered, “Get yourself together, and come back to me when you have everything figured out.”

  
  
Renjun stood up, spotting the tea cup he’d abandoned ages ago in favour of holding Jeno between his fingertips, walking towards Jeno’s front door with a strain in his heart. Jeno pushed himself off the couch, grabbing Renjun’s wrist to catch him before he disappeared out the door.

“Do you still love me?” Jeno asked, eyes searching Renjun’s, filled with tears.

Renjun smiled sentimentally, gently pulling his wrist out of Jeno’s grasp, slotting a hand onto Jeno’s cheek, who leant in immediately at the familiar touch. He hated to walk away again, but this was different. He knew he’d come back, unlike last time. Last time, he’d walked away from Jeno with tears running down his face and a heart shattered into thousands of pieces, but this time, he walked away with hope for a new beginning one day.

—

His apartment felt empty as he stepped inside. He walked into the kitchen, fixing himself a cup of water before staring out the window. He could see the lake he was by earlier, and the coffee shop, but Jeno’s apartment building was out of sight, hidden away like his emotions. When it was nearing dinner time, he called his best friend and asked her to come over. She lived downstairs on the sixth floor, with her girlfriend, but tonight Renjun knew she was in there alone. She came up minutes later, smiling at him from the entrance as they lingered by his front door.

“How come you’re only calling me now?” She asked. Renjun sat on his couch, while Yeri took a seat beside him.

“I went to Jeno’s place.” He mumbled, downcasting his eyes to focus on his wooden floor, not wanting to see her reaction. The atmosphere grew cold as he awaited her answer, usually she had something to say straight away, so he knew she was thinking hard about the correct response for her friend.

“How’d that go?” She asked eventually, grasping his hand for comfort.

Renjun sighed, leaning his head on her shoulder like she’d always do when he comforted her. They’d been friends since they were kids, and relied on each other more than Renjun expected, but didn’t mind at the same time, because she was always a source of comfort who stayed.

“I honestly don’t know.” He mumbled. Thinking about it was making him tiresome, but he didn’t want to sleep quite yet. He wanted to talk to someone about his feelings, and Yeri was always there to listen.

He rambled and ranted about Jeno for hours, leaving nothing out about their encounters in the past twenty four hours. When he finished, he’d shed a few tears and his head was on Yeri’s lap after she had forced him to lay down. He closed his eyes and pretended the fingers grazing his scalp were Jeno’s.

“You need time,” She started, “but you don’t need time away from him. He makes you happy Renjun, everyone knows that. Don’t let the past interrupt that.”

  
  
“What if the past is too similar to the present to ignore?” He peered up at her, fingers fiddling with his shirt.

  
  
“Then use the present to make the past better.”

She left after eating dinner with him, complimenting the food throughout their meal. They talked about her girlfriend, the record store she was managing and Renjun’s next piano recital. Their dynamics were leisurable and cosy, knowing each other so well that words weren’t always needed for them to have a good time together. When he was alone, he turned his television on and watched sitcoms he used to binge with Jeno on nights they spent together. He fell asleep hours later, the show playing as background noise to his tired ears. 

The next morning he set off to the studio, having a new idea in his head after yesterday’s events. He wanted to try something new on the piano before his next show later this evening. The studio was owned by the company he was signed to, positioned ten minutes away from his apartment building, where all the artists under that label came when they had practice. He rented a small room to himself, sitting on the chair of the piano in the corner, gathering music sheets in front of him with a pencil to scribble on as he practiced. 

His fingers glided the piano as usual, pausing every time a new idea begged to be written down. The room was empty when he’d come in, but now it was filled with the sounds of elegancy elicited from the piano in front of the boy. He spent hours at the piano, losing himself to the sensation of fingers on the keyboard, feeling at ease despite all the pain he felt. He wanted to get on stage and play for the people, not for the boy who broke his heart two years ago. He wanted to forget Jeno so badly, but he couldn’t. It was impossible to forget someone who was destined to be by his side for the rest of each others’ lives. 

Later that evening, he found himself gripping the sheets from earlier, nervously anticipating his turn on stage. He talked it over with his manager, and she’d allowed him to replace an old performance with his new composition. He stepped on stage, sitting at the same blue piano with white spots, beginning his performance for the night. The new song was scheduled as his last song of the night, and after he finished playing the final note, he bowed to his audience, spotting Jeno in the front row again.

“That song is called Golden, I hope you enjoyed it.” He spoke into a mic, before bowing again and exiting.


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the long wait! hope you're enjoying nct 2020 and streaming :D

Renjun learned how to love because of Jeno. 

He laid in his bed, rolling over in his blankets, thinking about Jeno’s face amongst the sea of faces earlier. He wanted to cry, hit the wall to feel something, anything at all about Jeno’s reappearance. He’d always thought that he lost Jeno forever, that the love he held for him was wasted, but now he knew there was a chance. He didn’t want to let that chance slip between his fingers.

His apartment was smaller than Jeno’s, and made him feel too enclosed in a space that was supposed to be his. When he laid in bed, the blankets covered his tiny body while the walls of his bedroom consumed him. He needed air.

The lake was still as he walked towards it, sitting at the same bench from a few days ago. He tried to keep his mind off Jeno, to hold onto the small ounce of calmness that surrounded him but Jeno lived in the back of his head, constantly stealing the attention from the rest of his thoughts. His fingers rubbed the back of his cold neck, sniffling from the night air. 

He looked around at the cars zooming past, and the people walking around, wrapped in jackets, while he was in a t-shirt and jeans. He was cold, and the only place he knew that would provide him warmth was Jeno, but it wasn’t right to show up there. Not after he forced Jeno to take more time away from him. Instead, he picked himself off the bench, walking back to his apartment where he turned the heater on and opened a bottle of champagne that’d been in his fridge for a few days.

It was too late for him to be dwelling on this. He needed sleep for his show tomorrow, but he wasn’t tired. He swayed his hips to the song Jeno wrote for him, drinking his champagne, playing the song on his record player in his living room. The track repeated itself until Renjun had enough of it, feeling the pain gnaw at his heart.

He missed Jeno all over again.

He wasn’t a past lover who’d come and go like Renjun thought. He was someone Renjun would always hold his breath around, feeling his lungs simmer out. Jeno was the person Renjun would always hold some form of love for. He’d always thought he’d grow old with Jeno, but after years of separation, the thought pained him. He had too many memories with Jeno, and it ached him to the bone. 

His favourite thing about Jeno was always his smile. Not because it was pretty, but because it was safe and familiar — it _was_ home. Despite the past, he wanted it to be home again.

He silenced his record player, laying on the couch, a hand on his stomach and the other behind his neck, staring at the ceiling. There was a time when Renjun didn’t know Jeno, and he wondered how happy that Renjun was. He knew he was just the awkward boy who stuck to Yeri or his piano, hiding himself from everyone else in fear of getting hurt. Jeno had pulled him out of that shell, helping him discover the world around him that he’d been hidden from. 

He remembered the day they met clearer than the day Jeno broke up with him, sighing at the happiness that day provided. He was on his way to class, and Jeno was new to his school. They’d ran into each other as they sped to different locations, and Renjun had offered to help him find his way to his next class, knowing Jeno was new. Jeno had smiled with the same eye smile he still holds today and for the first time in Renjun’s seventeen year old life, his breath was taken away. 

After that day, they’d stuck to each other like they were the only people in the world, meeting after school and leaving Yeri with her own friends during lunch to find a private spot in the school to just be them. They built their own world together, and Renjun had never wanted it to come shattering down like it did.

Renjun exhaled as the memories of their first kiss flooded his head. It was a few months after they’d met, exams were coming up soon, and he'd been stressing because he didn’t want to fail, and not gain the qualifications to enter university as he’d originally planned. Jeno had eased him with a kiss, and secret touches in places that made Renjun blush to this day. That was the day their love started to bloom past feelings hidden from the other.

He never ended up going to university after he signed to become a pianist, but he had the qualifications if he changed his mind. Jeno had told him to follow his heart, and make his dreams happen but as he lay on his couch, staring at the weary paint, he realised that his heart belonged solely with Jeno. 

He missed the nights he’d come home from shows and slip into arms of comfort. He missed when his stresses were manageable because Jeno was there to smile and reassure him that he was doing great. He missed being apart of Jeno’s life, watching the younger write song upon song and strum his guitar to the beat. 

Music had always been their thing to share, it brought them closer at first and Renjun was grateful for that, but the power music held over their relationship wasn’t something Renjun would ever be grateful for. Music was his outlet, but his enemy simultaneously. He performed piano pieces for Jeno whenever he had the chance, and Jeno had played songs for him but their breakup began with the strum of a guitar. 

The end to something beautiful began with Jeno’s guitar.

Renjun rolled over again, looking out his window to admire the sky. He closed his eyes and let sleep consume him, dreaming about the songs he’d written about Jeno. 

  
  
  
  


Shows were Renjun’s favourite activity. He’d been performing since he was nineteen, and has been playing the piano since before he could remember— it was his speciality. The stage was inviting, and the roaring crowd made him feel welcomed. He stepped on stage, sitting at his piano, same old blue and white, beginning his first piece of the show. By the end of it, he knew he’d turn around to spot Jeno in the crowd, but he didn’t seek the boy out this time. The crowd watched him bow briefly before hurrying off stage, too distracted by the next act to care about Renjun’s actions. 

His manager knocked on the door, telling him to hurry. He grabbed his things, leaving the room for his van. Amongst the crowd, he spotted Jeno, who appeared to be walking the other direction, showing Renjun the back of his head. He wasn’t surprised, he knew Jeno would keep his space, but he was still sad. He wanted to take back what he said, run into Jeno’s arms and stay there forever, but there was too much baggage that needed unpacking first. 

Renjun stepped inside the van, leaning his head on the window throughout the drive.

When he entered his apartment, Yeri was waiting inside with a few of their mutual friends, Chenle and Jaemin. They smiled at him, jumping up to greet him with a hug.

“What are you guys doing here?” He asked, shocked at the sudden arrival.

“Yeri told us you needed some cheering up.” Jaemin said, “So we’re here to do just that. Now tell us, why are you upset?”

  
  
He looked at Yeri, earning a shrug in return. He wasn’t upset, he was just going through something. Everyone goes through things. He did, however, miss the presence of his friends, so he sat down and informed them, feeling safe under their attentive eyes.

“So he showed up out of nowhere and wanted to fix things?” Chenle asked once Renjun finished.

Renjun nodded, awaiting their opinions. Jaemin was eerily quiet, while Yeri watched on, already aware of the situation. Renjun shifted in his seat, feeling a piercing cold wave brush over his body. He was nervous, but he wasn’t scared, he knew his friends more than he knew himself. They always knew what to say.

“I initially told him that he shouldn’t avoid Jeno, because Jeno makes him happy.” Yeri spoke up, breaking the silence.

Jaemin gestured towards her, “I agree.” 

“Is that all you guys have to say?” Renjun scoffed.

“I don’t think you should avoid him persay, but I don’t think it’s your responsibility to mend what he broke.” Chenle inputted, “Unless you’re willing to do that.”

  
  
“I want to, but I don’t want to push him. He deserves to take this at his own pace.” Renjun stated, noticing the sky was growing grey.

  
They continued conversing as the night carried on, jumping from topic to topic as Renjun stepped away to cook everyone dinner. Yeri invited her girlfriend over, claiming that the more the merrier. Renjun didn’t mind, Yeri’s girlfriend, Chaeyoung was nice to be around and he’d grown acquainted with her over the months of her dating his best friend. 

When Renjun plated the food and set it out for everyone, they basically screamed in delight, thanking him before digging in. He cooked his specialty, knowing they’d enjoy the food after cooking it nearly every time they come to his place. He took a seat, admiring the atmosphere and how happy he felt for the first time in awhile. Despite that happy feeling, he still wondered what it’d be like if Jeno were with them right now, like he used to be. 

After dinner, his friends stuck around for a bit, not wanting to end their conversations so abruptly. It was only around ten pm that they said goodnight, and headed home, leaving Renjun to clean up and survive in his loneliness again. 

It’d only been a few days since his meeting with Jeno, he wanted to run back over there and feel the warmth again. After fighting with himself, he shrugged a jacket on and left his apartment, setting off to Jeno’s.

The air was chilly and made Renjun regret ever leaving his place. As his feet grudged along the path, memories of when he’d skip happily over to Jeno’s place flooded him, making him halt and reflect on what he was really doing. He contemplated turning around and going back home, but Yeri’s voice tingled at the back of his head, urging him forward. 

He found himself outside Jeno’s apartment door before he could cave in to his insecurities, knocking on the hard wood, releasing a heavy breath built up from his nerves. Jeno opened the door, emitting a small noise of confusion before greeting Renjun.

“I know I shouldn’t be here.” Renjun interrupted, “But I couldn’t help myself.”

  
  
Jeno let him in, sitting on the couch with enough space for Renjun to keep a respective distance. The elder felt an itch to seat himself closer and let their bodies touch but he needed to talk things out first. He needed some form of protocol before he did anything.

“When I came back, I didn’t mean to make it mess you up.”

  
  
“I’m not messed up.”

  
  
“It’s midnight on a Wednesday Renjun.” Jeno stated, with a fond smile.

Renjun brushed it off, blushing at the accusation. He wasn’t messed up, Jeno just messed with his head. The younger waited for Renjun to speak again, leaning on his couch and maintaining eye contact that Renjun couldn’t bring himself to reciprocate. He felt suffocated all of a sudden, and realised he needed to get his feelings out.

“I lied.” He blurted out, “When I said we needed a longer break, I lied. I don’t want a break from you.”

  
  
Jeno smiled knowingly, as if he saw this coming. Renjun regretted coming over without much of a plan on what to say, because Jeno was sitting idly waiting for him to speak. Renjun needed Jeno to contribute, reassure him, anything to comfort him into continuing.

“Are you going to say anything?” He asked.

“I want you to talk first.” Jeno admitted, “I can talk once you’re done.”

  
  
“Ok, well, I honestly don’t know what to say other than I want to try again. I’ve always wanted to try again, I tried moving on and it didn’t work but now that you’re back, there’s nothing I want to do other than give _us_ another shot.”

  
  
Jeno nodded, a small smile on his face, reassuring Renjun that he was doing good with spilling his feelings and all. The hand that slipped into his made Renjun’s heart skip a beat and he found himself forgetting how to operate his hands after years of putting it to use on his keyboard.

“You don’t need to explain everything.” Jeno whispered, “Some things are better left unsaid, besides I want us to work again too.”

  
  
“You do?”

  
  
“Well duh, I didn’t come back for nothing.” He said, getting off the couch to enter his kitchen. Renjun followed absentmindedly, wondering if Jeno wanted him to or not. Jeno handed him a drink, sitting on his kitchen bench, telling Renjun to continue speaking.

“Did you think about me a lot when we were apart?” Renjun asked insecurely, looking into Jeno’s eyes for an honest answer.

Jeno looked back at him innocently, occupying his empty hand with the collar of Renjun’s jacket. He held his breath as he realised their proximity, and how when they used to be this close, he could lean in and connect their lips harmoniously. His heart ached to do that again.

“I went to every show.” Jeno mumbled, “Watched you perform from the back of the theatre in hopes that one day, when I was ready, I could reveal myself.”

He needed time to process that confession, feeling his entire body freeze up at the thought of Jeno never fully leaving. 

“Why?” He demanded, “Why would you do that?”

  
  
Jeno shrugged, swinging his legs, letting Renjun take a step back and gather his thoughts. His breath was uneven, and he felt the panic seizing through him but he squeezed his eyes shut and willed himself to be okay. 

He used to convince himself that he was someone Jeno didn’t want around, but now he realised how wrong he was. Jeno wanted him around even if he didn’t know Jeno was around.

“I need a proper answer Jeno.”

  
  
“I never stopped loving you Renjun.” He sighed, “Breakups don’t always mean the feelings are gone, I’m sure you’d know that, so I went to every show. Seeing you in your element, untouched by the dangers of our love was enough for me to get myself together and want a new start.”

“This makes no sense Jeno.” Renjun replied.

“It doesn’t need to.” He responded, “Love doesn’t make sense Renjun.”

  
  
“That’s unfair. I deserve an explanation.” A frown discerned his face.

Jeno sighed, sipping his drink before setting it beside him, slipping off the kitchen bench. He grabbed Renjun’s wrist delicately, holding him in close proximity again. He smirked when Renjun blushed.

“When you play the piano, you’re yourself and no one can stop you from being one with that keyboard. When you’re with me, you’re trying too hard to be in love rather than just being with me. It’s a selfish thing to say, I know, because I did the same, but being able to see you from afar and appreciate the real you made me realise that I am truly in love with you.”

  
  
Renjun shook his head, tears springing to his eyes. Jeno backed away a bit, not wanting Renjun to feel overwhelmed.

“I’m okay, it’s okay.” He said, “It’s just _so_ unfair Jeno. I was hurt, I was in pain and you watched from afar for two fucking years?”

  
  
Jeno opened his mouth to interrupt, but Renjun stopped him, telling him that he finally gathered what he wanted to say and needed Jeno to be patient with him like before. Jeno obliged, silencing himself for Renjun. 

“Every song I played was about you, whenever I got onto that stage I thought of you. Every time I played, I imagined you in the crowd, being proud of me like you used to be, and I used to sob myself to sleep because I thought I’d lost you forever Jen. I can’t believe this entire time you were sitting calmly in the crowd, getting to see me when I was falling in love with a new version of you that I’d made up in my head. I know you aren’t to blame for any of that, but it hurts so much, you leaving hurt _so much._ ” He confessed, voice cracking at the end.

Jeno’s hand met his cheek, wiping his tears before bringing his head onto his shoulder, rubbing Renjun’s back as he let sobs wrack through his body. He was so utterly tired of the mess they had, but the start of something new was right before him and he owed it to the Renjun who’d sit alone at night, aching for Jeno back, to pursue this with Jeno.

His grandmother used to tell him that time heals everything, and he always believed her, but in this moment he couldn’t. It’d been two years, and the mess of their love had escalated to an even bigger mess that Renjun didn’t know how to handle. He trusted Jeno, but he didn’t know how he was supposed to be in the right mindset after that confession.

He moved away from Jeno’s touch to pour himself a glass of water, downing the liquid in seconds. Jeno watched from the middle of the kitchen, eyes casting itself along the outline of Renjun’s body.

“I’m going home,” Renjun announced, “Thanks for listening.” 

His words died off, feeling restricted in his throat. Jeno nodded, telling him to come over whenever he needed. Renjun sighed, pausing in his step.

“I can’t just rock up whenever I want.” He said, contradicting his own actions.

Jeno smiled, “Isn’t that what this is?”  
  


Before he could stop himself, he launched himself onto Jeno, gripping his collar and colliding their lips. Jeno’s hands flew to his waist, reciprocating the kiss almost immediately. Renjun’s hands moved around Jeno’s neck, fiddling with the hair at the bottom. Jeno’s breath was heavy, hands drawing patterns on Renjun’s waist. 

After they broke apart for some air, Renjun realised what he’d done.

“I should go.” 

Jeno’s expression wasn’t content with his statement, but nevertheless, he let Renjun leave, telling him to be careful out there. Renjun walked home with a tingling feeling on his lips.


	3. Chapter Three

Life went on — i t had to. Renjun had performances and an apartment to keep clean, while Jeno had songs to write and studios to cram himself in for hours, perfecting the lyrics on a track as he brought his creations to life for the world to see. Renjun considered going around there, seeing where their next encounter would take them, but he was scared once again. The kiss from last time almost felt unreal, like he’d dreamt it, but the tingle was there the next day and hadn’t dispersed.

His performances ran smoothly again, playing the same old songs over and over again for different crowds every night. He wanted to play something new, but he was out of ideas. His manager told him if he wanted a new song, he’d need to visit their studio for a while and construct it with someone. Today was that day. 

The weather was decent as he walked to the studio, only blocks away from his apartment, in his pants and jacket. He decided to accessorise himself a bit today, throwing his favourite sunglasses on his face and wearing a couple rings he hadn’t touched for years. They had been gifts from Jeno, a small present that was bestowed upon him during the days of their functioning relationship. He’d hidden them away from himself after the breakup, but as he dressed himself, he stumbled across them at the bottom of his drawer, and put them on without thinking into it too much. 

The doors of the studio were pushed open and he stepped inside, noticing the emptiness of the lobby instantly. The receptionist called him over, signing him in before handing him a lanyard, telling him to return it before he leaves. He nodded, offering a small bow before venturing further into the building to find his assigned room. When he walked in, his manager was standing next to someone he’d never met before, but recognised. Lee Donghyuck — notable for being one of the best song producers in Korea. Renjun knew him through Jeno, hearing all about the jealousy Jeno held for the other; working day and night to achieve the same as him. 

Renjun respected him, but always thought there was something in Jeno’s work that brought him a sense of uniquity. Maybe it was that the work was about Renjun, but apart from that, he saw the effort Jeno put into his work and how passionate he was about it. Renjun knew Jeno was amazing at what he did and stood a chance against other prestigious producers.

“Ah, good afternoon Renjun!” She greeted, introducing him to Donghyuck before letting them work together alone.

Donghyuck took a seat at the piano, “I’ve heard your music before. It’s really good, why have you requested to work with me?”

  
  
“Well, I didn’t request you specifically.” Renjun replied, sliding onto the seat beside the other, “I just want to work with someone on new songs that I can perform. I’m getting sick of performing the same things over and over.”

“Ok, well, I can help with that. What’d you have in mind?” Donghyuck asked, placing his fingers on the keyboard.

Renjun worked with the latter for hours, writing down important notes and piecing together a song that made Renjun’s heart beat with the rhythm. Donghyuck was definitely amazing at what he did, no denial there. He knew exactly what Renjun meant when he requested something, and was impeccable at replicating his requests on the piano. 

  
  
After a few hours, the song was practically finished. Renjun organised to meet him again in a few days to work on it again, but for now, the first demo was finished and Renjun was happy. It sounded good, and it was a refresher for him in contrast to his other songs. This one was probably the first that wasn’t about Jeno; despite not having lyrics, the melody didn’t remind Renjun of the latter at all and he was aware that he hadn’t thought about Jeno at all whilst he’d created the song with Donghyuck.

“I’ll see you on Wednesday.” Donghyuck announced, leaving the room after Renjun nodded and offered a wave. 

He packed his things up, making sure the door of the practice room was closed before handing his lanyard back to the receptionist, stepping outside and breathing in the fresh air. His manager texted him that she’d left, and she’ll see him again at his show tomorrow night. He strung his bag closer to himself, walking to the coffee shop at the familiar lake with a content smile on his face. 

The wind blew across his face, reminding him that it was nearing dinner and he needed to figure out what to serve himself —  sometimes being an adult was difficult. Renjun missed his parents suddenly, wondering what they were getting up to in his home country. It's been years since he last saw them. 

When he was in his teens, nearing adulthood, he moved to Korea alongside his parents and lived with them in the foreign country until he became an adult and no longer relied on them. He didn’t expect himself to become independent so early, but with all the money his, at the time, newfound career gave him, it became natural for him to not rely on them. After he’d moved out and established himself in his apartment, that he moved out a year ago in favour of his current one, his parents made a move back to China. They’d insisted that he’d be fine in Korea alone, insisting that he had Jeno and his job. To them, those two things were enough for him to survive. To them, Jeno and playing the piano were just commodities of Renjun’s adult life.

The bells atop the door rang as he pushed open the shops’ door, browsing the menu before ordering his usual. The barista greeted him with a smile, getting to work on his order almost immediately. The place was never very busy, that’s what he liked about it. It was serene and placid — Renjun needed more of that in his life, and you’d think being a pianist would be enough serenity to last a lifetime, but not when his songs bled in notes about his pain. 

“Order 203 for Renjun.” The barista slid the coffee across the counter, wishing Renjun a good day. 

He entered the outside once again, gripping the coffee closer as the chilled air greeted him once again. He pushed himself towards the lake, sitting on the familiar bench again to enjoy the view alongside his drink.

  
  


Donghyuck greeted him as soon as he walked into the studio, waiting by the reception for the boy. They signed in together, making small talk as they entered their rented room together. They sat at the piano, side by side, beginning to clean their song. After a while, Donghyuck insisted on a break to refresh themselves.

“Are you invited to the party on the weekend?” Donghyuck asked out of the blue, “It’s for producers and performers only.”

  
  
Renjun shrugged, “Haven’t received anything about it.” 

“Well, I think this song could be done before then. How about you attend as my plus one and we can present this song there? It’s more of a gathering to discuss music than a party, but there will be time to hit the dance floor and get drunk.”

  
  
He thought about it, he really did, it sounded like an amazing opportunity to boost himself in the eyes of others in his league but attending as Donghyuck’s plus one didn’t sound ideal. He knew Jeno would be there, how could he not be when he’s the top producer next to Donghyuck and Renjun didn’t want mess to occur alongside that. 

Renjun decided he didn’t want his love life to interfere with his career; and if Jeno has a problem with him attending alongside Donghyuck, that’s his problem, not Renjun’s. 

“Sounds great. I’ll be there,” He responded, smiling when Donghyuck smiled, “Are we going to add lyrics to the song though?”

  
  
“If you want to, then sure,” Donghyuck shrugged, “I don’t think it’s necessary though.”

“I’m not entirely one to write lyrics, so I’m fine without it.” He replied, a chuckle following.

Donghyuck nodded, “That’s Jeno’s job, isn’t it?”

  
  
Renjun’s laughter halted as he stared at the other, surprise forcing the smile off his face. Donghyuck had kind eyes, but his words were far from kind. It had menacing undertones, Renjun thought, or maybe it was just all in his head.

“Pardon me?” 

“Jeno.” Donghyuck said, shifting in his seat, “He writes the lyrics, you perform the melodies. Am I missing something here?”

  
  
Renjun’s mouth hung slightly agape, utterly unprepared for the situation at hand. He wanted to yell at Donghyuck for even bringing Jeno up, he wanted to question how Donghyuck knew about their relationship, but he held it in. He couldn’t yell at a colleague for something he didn’t understand. 

“Jeno and I aren’t together anymore,” Renjun mumbled, “We broke up two years ago.”

  
  
“Oh.” Donghyuck’s face fizzled in realisation, “I’m so sorry I shouldn’t have brought him up, I thought that you guys were still together.”

  
  
“Why did you think that?” Renjun’s body started to sibilate in confusion, hands feeling uneasy.

“That’s what everyone’s been saying.” He replied, “I heard a rumour that you guys moved in together again, and were progressing your relationship. Didn’t really believe it, but I didn’t know how else to bring it up.”

  
  
Renjun nodded, a sour look overtaking his face as he processed the information. He loved performing, but the idea of people involving themselves in his personal business irked him. His life away from the piano was not theirs to meddle in, including Donghyuck.

“All those rumours are fake crap.” He said, “Let’s continue.”

  
  
Donghyuck nodded, proceeding to work with him on the song, letting the conversation end there. 

  
  
  


Renjun laid on his couch after his long day with Donghyuck. His phone was in his pocket, silently waiting to annoy its owner with notifications. He wondered if Jeno had gone to contact him before stopping himself, or if the boy doesn’t care to text him. He wished to hear from him, but after what happened, he knew it’d take time. 

Jeno wasn’t one to approach someone after something unsettling, like an unexpected kiss, happens. Renjun pulled his phone out after much debate, and hit dial on Jaemin’s number. He wasn’t going to call Jeno, but he’d at least call  _ someone.  _

“Hey Jun, what’s up?” Jaemin asked, heavy noises in the background filtering through the phone.

“Are you busy?”

  
  
A grunt was heard before Jaemin answered, “Uh, nope, why? Do you need something?”

  
  
“I was wondering if we could hang out again.” He mumbled, twirling his finger around the thread hanging from his pants. He wanted Jaemin to take his mind off Jeno.

“Ok, I’ll be right over.”

The line went dead before he could speak again. He sighed, throwing his phone across the couch. Jaemin was always good at helping him forget about Jeno, distracting him above and beyond with the smallest things. They hadn’t been friends forever, but long enough to know exactly how to entertain the other. Renjun was grateful for a friend like Jaemin.

A knock came from his door, opening to reveal Jaemin behind it. He walked in with a smile, sitting beside Renjun on the couch.

“Where were you?” He asked.

“At Jisung’s,” He responded casually, “Their cat ran away so they called me to occupy them. When I left, their friend Mark was coming in, anyway, what’s up?”

  
  
“I got invited to a private party on the weekend.” Renjun said. “Well, actually, I didn’t get invited but I’m attending as Lee Donghyuck’s plus one.”   
  


“You’re what?” Jaemin yelled, nearly jumping out of his seat. Renjun laughed, telling him to calm down. 

“We’ve been working together this past week on a new song, and he invited me to this party on the weekend as his plus one so we can showcase the song for the first time together.” Renjun explained, fingers intertwined. 

“You guys finished a song in a week together?” Jaemin raised his eyebrows, indicating something that made Renjun roll his eyes, “What happened with you and Jeno?”

  
  
Renjun slapped Jaemin’s shoulder, laughing off the latters’ statement. He had to admit — Donghyuck was fun, but he wasn’t Jeno. 

“No, really.” Jaemin said after a few minutes, leaning against the couch to get more comfortable, “How are you and Jeno?”

  
  
“We kissed the other night.” He mumbled, anticipating Jaemin’s reaction.

“Oh.” Jaemin looked shocked, “Well, how did that go?”

  
  
He thought about it for a moment, wondering if he was ready to talk about it. He hadn’t processed it alone yet, preferring to push it to the back of his head and leave it there. It was too sudden, despite Renjun being the one who initiated it. He’d thought that Jeno would push him off, but when he kissed back, Renjun’s heart practically did a thousand backflips. 

“It went okay at first, but then I ran out.” He mumbled, looking away.

Jaemin nodded his head, telling him that he should probably talk to Jeno, attempt to fix what happened. Renjun was already aware of this. He’d lost sleep thinking about how to fix things, but the thought of walking back into Jeno’s apartment and voicing his true feelings was all too much for him. 

He listened as Jaemin told him about how he shouldn’t initiate something so intimate if he isn’t ready to face the aftermath, listened as Jaemin lectured him on not making it harder for him to move on, and so on. By the end of it, Renjun was ready to sleep from the pounding in his head. He was grateful for Jaemin’s words; it grounded him and put everything into a perspective he was blinded from seeing in his position. 

Jaemin eventually decided he was going to head home, complaining about how he needed to prepare dinner thanks to his roommates’ inability to cook. When he left, Renjun laid on the couch again, thinking about what to do before bed. 

He checked his phone, watching his finger hover over Jeno’s contact number. He threw the phone aside before he could do something he’d regret, peeling himself off the couch to lock his front door and reside in his bedroom.

He fell asleep wondering what he was going to wear to the party, making a mental note to ask Donghyuck tomorrow about what the dress code would be. He also made a mental note to invite Yeri over so she could help him get appropriate clothes that would make him look good at the party. Yeri was a fashion designer, so she was the best person for him to turn to at this point. Jaemin had a good fashion sense, but Renjun needed something better than good for this event. 

—

Yeri entered his apartment, bags upon bags of clothes in her hands. Renjun had called her the morning to help him with clothes for the party that is precisely in 27 hours from now. He stood by his front door, watching her stride into his kitchen with all the bags, quite honestly in shock that she already had clothes with her.

He thought she’d come over and find something within his own closet to throw together, not new clothes bought out of her own pocket.

“Are you going to stand by the front door all day or look at the fantastic new clothes I bought you?” She asked.

“Why did you buy me  _ new  _ clothes?” He closed the door, walking into the kitchen to look at the array of bags. He didn’t even know where to begin looking at the new articles.

“Isn’t that what you asked?” She asked, beginning to rummage through a bag. 

She pulled out a pair of pants that looked too professional for tomorrow’s event. He watched as she also pulled out a shirt that matched the pants, as well as new shoes. He sighed at the thought of how much this would’ve cost her.

She isn’t made of money like Renjun was so he wished she’d let him tag along at least and pay for the majority of items.

“Let me pay you back.” He said, reaching into his pocket to dig out his weighty wallet.

“What? No, I bought this as a present, don’t worry about it Jun. Half of this stuff was on sale anyway.” 

  
  
“Yeah, but when I said I needed an outfit, I meant I wanted to throw together something in my closet! This is too much, at least take a hundred dollar bill.” He urged, pushing the cash towards her with a pleading look.

She sighed, putting the clothes down to hesitantly take the money.

“Thanks Renjun.” She mumbled, pushing it into her back pocket before showing him more of the clothes.

They stood around his kitchen for a few more hours, sizing him up with different combinations of the new clothes. He personally liked the pants that held a nice blue colour paired with the white shirt and light grey jacket. The colour combination looked aesthetic and professional simultaneously to him. 

“I think I’ll stick with this outfit.” He said, picking up the individual items.

Yeri smiled, “I hoped you’d choose those”

  
  
He smiled back, folding them neatly on top of each other and moving into the lounge room to sit on his couch and converse with Yeri away from the clothes. They talked for hours about their separate lives, catching up on what life’s been offering them.

—

The building was tucked away somewhere where the press couldn’t find them. Renjun liked the soundless breeze as he walked towards the door with Donghyuck; he never thought he’d find so much serenity in the dark sky paired with empty streets. They were supposed to be scary, making one feel at edge, but it made him feel calm, until the door opened and he stepped into a place more lit up than the sun itself.

Lights were everywhere, hanging from the ceiling, lit so bright he wondered if it was legal to use this much electricity for such a secluded place. At least the room was filled with people who gave the lights purpose. 

Donghyuck led him to the table they’d been allocated, pulling the chair out for Renjun before taking his own seat. Renjun wondered if Donghyuck had asked him along as a plus one, or for a date, because the way he was acting certainly felt more intimate than Renjun assumed it to. Before he could think further into the matter, a seat was pulled out beside him and someone he didn’t recognise sat down.

“Hello, I’m Liu Yangyang.” The latter greeted, “You’re Huang Renjun, the pianist, right?”

  
  
“That’s me,” He responded with a kind smile, “What do you do Yangyang? I’m afraid I’ve never heard of you.”

  
  
“I’m a song producer, but I’m new to the scene. Only started last year, but my manager managed to get me affiliated with Lee Jeno so I’m here as his plus one. You know Jeno right?”

  
  
Renjun sighed internally, “Yes. I’ve heard of Jeno.”

  
  
He focused on anything other than Yangyang for the next few moments, watching Donghyuck eye them as he poured himself a glass of water. He knew the younger had something to say about his statement, knowing of the relationship he once held with Jeno. The remaining seats had yet to fill themselves, but he knew Jeno would probably sit in one of the seats if Yangyang was his plus one. He wondered why Jeno even decided to come, let alone invite someone with him.

For a moment, he wondered if Jeno asked Yangyang along with the intentions of a date. The thought made him pour himself a glass of water and down it in seconds.

“So are you two here together?” Yangyang asked, indicating to Donghyuck and Renjun. Renjun watched Donghyuck take the lead with this question, almost jumping out of his seat to answer.

“Yeah, actually we just met last week but we’ve worked on a song together and we’re going to present it to everyone today. It doesn’t have lyrics because neither of us write lyrics, but we’re going to perform it together.”

  
  
“We’re performing it live?” Renjun interrupted, baffled.

“Uh, yeah. What else would we do?” Donghyuck asked as if his question was rhetorical.

“I thought you had a record of the track somewhere, and you were just going to play it through the speakers.” Renjun shrugged, looking at his glass of water.

“Well, I pondered on that and if you don’t want to perform it, I have the track on this USB right here.” Donghyuck said, pulling the tiny stick out of his jacket pocket.

“I think I’ll leave you two to figure that out. Jeno seems to be taking a while at the reception.” Yangyang announced, awkwardly removing himself from the table.

Renjun blushed, feeling embarrassed at the unprofessionalism he just displayed. He forgot that Yangyang could impact his reputation as the boy seemed so harmless from their previous conversation.

“Are you comfortable with performing it live?” Donghyuck asked, switching from his seat to Yangyang’s previous one, knees knocking Renjun’s.

“It’s fine, we can perform it live. I’m fine with that Donghyuck,” He said, “I just thought it’d be presented through a track because there were no lyrics, but now that I think about it, performing it live will give them someone to look at, which would probably be less boring.”

  
  
Donghyuck smiled, “I like your thinking.”

Now Renjun was sure what Donghyuck’s intentions were. He wanted this to be a date. 

He was preparing to perform live with the latter, knowing everyone would see them sit side by side, touching the keys together as they’d let music separate them from the crowd. There was nothing about that revelation that Renjun saw as romantic, but knowing Donghyuck intends it as that made him uneasy.

He didn’t want to be in a romantic situation with someone who wasn’t Jeno, and now he wasn’t sure why he bothered with avoiding the latter in the first place if his mind always brought itself back to him. He was stuck with a heart that belonged to Jeno, and he didn’t want to hurt others with that.

Renjun looked at Donghyuck for a moment before taking a deep breath.

“Why are we performing it together?” He asked, “Shouldn’t one of us introduce it and the other perform? It’d be awkward sharing a keyboard when we both know the notes off by heart.”

  
  
Donghyuck’s eyebrows strung together, “But it’s a duet song. We have different parts, Renjun. One person can’t play both parts.”

“I’m sure you could.”

  
  
“Are you trying to compliment me or flirt with me?” Donghyuck smirked.

Renjun’s mouth fell agape, and his hands rose so fast to flail around as he pushed himself to speak. “I’m not flirting with you, Donghyuck. I’m just saying—,” He sighed before lowering his head pathetically, “I might be reading these signals wrong, but there’s something going on here, isn’t there?”

  
  
“Do you want something to be going on?” Donghyuck asked. Renjun averted his eyes across the room, spotting Jeno walking in beside Yangyang who appeared to be talking the elders’ ear off. Jeno looked beautiful despite the frown spread across his face. 

As Jenos’ head lifted, his frown dispersed into a look of content. He was making eye contact with Renjun, unable to hold back the serenity Renjun’s eyes brought him. Renjun felt his heart swell at the silent interaction.

“I don’t.” He whispered, breaking eye contact with Jeno to look at an expectant Donghyuck.

“Oh,” The younger mumbled, “Well, then let’s get this performance done as friends. Okay?”

  
  
“Okay.” He repeated as if he was a robot. Donghyuck nodded once before taking his seat opposite Renjun back. 

As Renjun awkwardly stared at the movement in his glass of water, Yangyang found his way back to their table, this time with Jeno and someone else accompanying them.

“I’m back.” He said, “Did you two solve your performance issue?”

  
  
Renjun nodded, “Thanks Yangyang. Who are these people?” He asked, directing the question to the person he didn’t recognise who’d taken a seat beside Donghyuck. He gulped lightly when Jeno took the seat beside him, shuffling the chair unnecessarily closer to Renjun which earned him a curious look from Donghyuck.

“This is Hendery, my manager.” Yangyang said, “He works with me too, but also manages me because I probably wouldn’t survive this job without a manager.”

  
  
Renjun concluded that Yangyang was like an adult baby. Everything he did was cute, but it wasn’t cute like a baby. It was cute like watching your older sibling try something new for the first time and laugh as they can’t figure it out. Except Renjun wasn’t laughing at Yangyang. At least not externally.

The conversation carried on for a while, but Renjun remained persistent in not acknowledging Jeno’s existence. The latter had done the same once he realised Renjun wouldn’t interact with him publicly. It hurt to not reach over and grasp his hand like he used to whenever Jeno was that close to him, but with everything in him, he knew it was the right decision for now. All that being secretly intimate with Jeno would lead to was a world of confusion for Renjun’s poor heart.

Minutes turned into hours, and Renjun found himself finally being called to the stage, following Donghyuck who eloquently graced everyone with a microphone in hand and all the right words to further please their interest. 

Renjun watched the people’s reactions as Donghyuck announced they’d be performing a brand new melody that was unreleased to the public. A few claps were heard before Donghyuck passed the microphone away and took a seat at the piano in the corner, Renjun followed suit immediately, not wanting to delay the performance with his awkwardness on unfamiliar stages. 

They sat with their backs to the audience, whispering the cues to each other as their hands met the keys. 

  
  
Renjun felt himself become one with the music, closing his eyes for a moment as his fingers graced the piano. Every part of his body wanted to focus solely on the piano, but his brain went against them and directed his thoughts to Jeno once again, using its’ willpower to divide his attention from the correct notes to wondering what Jeno was thinking about the piece.

Despite it not being about Jeno, Renjun found himself wanting it to be.

He wanted to turn around and tell Jeno this was for him. After all,  _ this _ was for him. Renjun’s performances, Renjun’s songs, Renjun’s career. It was all for him.


	4. Chapter Four

He knocked on the hard wood of Jeno’s apartment door, waiting for the latter to open up. Renjun knew he was home, as he’d texted him prior, telling Jeno that he was coming over.

He was sick of sitting in his quiet apartment, anticipating what would happen next. Deciding to stop waiting for Jeno to make the next move, he took matters into his own hands; after all, this was his life, he deserved to have full stead of it.

Jeno opened the door moments later, smiling softly before escorting Renjun inside. It was like there was some unspoken agreement between the two that despite their past, they would still get along and not let their past cause restrictive tension. Renjun liked that. He was always told that if it was natural to be tranquil with each other, then the love was there and it was real.

“Your performance with Donghyuck was amazing.” Jeno said, “I’m sorry I didn’t get to say it earlier.”

  
  
Renjun smiled to accept his apology. It wasn’t Jeno’s fault that after his performance, he’d been dragged to talk to nearly everyone in the building. Some asked for his autograph, others asked for details about his next concert and others just congratulated himself and Donghyuck for their performance. Once he’d finished talking to everyone, Jeno had already left. 

“It’s fine,” Renjun took a seat on Jeno’s couch again, “I didn’t expect you to stick around that late anyway.”

Jeno let out an exasperated sigh, sitting on the couch with a respectable distance from the other. Renjun listened to the silence, feeling the weight of Jeno’s stare make him want to blend in with the walls that he wished were never repainted.

“Why’d you repaint this place?” He spurred out of the blue.

Jeno shrugged, “Needed a change.”

  
  
“Because of me.” Renjun sighed, finishing Jeno’s sentence.

He turned to look at Jeno’s expression, seeing a flash of agitation. He moved his eyes to focus on his own hands, waiting for Jeno’s response. There was none until he looked up again, and Jeno had a maximised look of pain spread across his face. Renjun leaned over to grab Jeno’s hand, but Jeno moved away before he could.

“Why are you even here Renjun?” He blurted.

“I wanted to see you,” Renjun responded, “Isn’t that enough?”

  
  
“I know you want to start over, but you can’t just come over here and confront me on topics I’m not ready to talk about.” Jeno said, “Yes, you deserve an explanation but haven’t I given you enough?”

  
  
“I’m not here for an explanation, Jeno.” Renjun says, getting off the couch and standing in front of Jeno, “I didn’t want this to turn into a fight, I’m sorry. Let’s forget what I said and start over?”

  
  
“Feels like all we’re ever doing is starting over.” Jeno mumbled, resting his head on Renjun’s stomach. 

Renjun felt his cheeks heat up as Jeno softly laid his head on him. He felt a sense of relief that Jeno was comfortable enough to be this close to him again. His hands soon found its place in Jeno’s hair, scraping his scalp lightly.

The air stood still as they held each other close, and Renjun could feel the soft thump of Jeno’s heartbeat. He felt warmer than ever for the first time since they’d parted. This was where he was supposed to be, with Jeno, always.

“I missed this,” Jeno mumbled, wrapping his arms around Renjun.

Renjun hummed, wanting to keep the silence for as long as possible. He moved Jeno’s head away from his stomach, sitting on the couch beside him so he could be closer to Jeno. 

He slipped his hand into the others’, knocking their knees together.

“I know we’re messy, and things don’t go to plan,” Renjun started squeezing Jeno’s hand, “But I want to spend as much of my life with you as possible. These past few years without you have felt like I’m just moving through the motions but when you came back, it’s like purpose was restored in my life.”

Jeno nodded, listening closely to every word Renjun had to offer. After years of listening to his music, gaining knowledge about the others’ feelings through his work, he could finally sit close and hear his stripped down feelings. In front of a crowd, Renjun couldn’t give him the full truths, but now he could fill in the gaps that were hidden from the public.

“I want to be with you Jeno,” He said, “I never stopped wanting you. I tried wanting others, but you were always there, in my head, preventing me from moving on.” 

A moment passed by before Renjun allowed himself to continue, while Jeno held tightly onto his hand and pressed himself impossibly closer to Renjun. His head rested on Renjun’s shoulder, letting out light breaths as he listened to the heartbeat of his love.

“Everyday is like a new day to fall in love with you all over again.” Renjun mumbled, “I want to fall in love with Lee Jeno again, not the idea I have of you in my head. I want to know _you_ again Jeno.”

“Can you stay over tonight?” Jeno asked suddenly, “I don’t want to be alone.”

Renjun’s heart melted at Jeno’s tone, feeling a wave of emotions at the statement. He pondered on whether it’d be a good idea to stay over or not, after all, it seemed a bit rushed. He didn’t want to dive right back into what they used to have, in fears that it’d cause them to end up right back where they parted.

He knew Jeno’d feel the same so he shoved aside the voice telling him to say yes.

“I can’t Jen,” He mumbled, “We both know that’s a leap past the other things we need to experience first.”

  
  
“Love isn’t a step by step process with rules Renjun,” Jeno argued.

“I know, but I don’t want to rush this. Everything will just fall apart if we rush.” He said, thinking carefully about his words.

Jeno nodded, still reluctant to separate their hands, as he listened to the echo of Renjun’s words. Their hands stilled in place, holding onto each others’ warm touch that flourished their hearts. Renjun realised he truly was always falling for Jeno.

Instead of talking again, he relaxed into Jeno’s space, letting his head rest on top of Jeno’s that still lay on his shoulder. It’d been so long, _too long_ , since they’d held each other close like this and Renjun felt like they were finally healing.

All the songs he composed about Jeno were pushed aside, replaced by the words spilled by Jeno hours later when Renjun had given in and allowed himself to stay the night. Their hands found each other under the covers again, softly connected by their pinkies.

—

The next few days felt like the start of something new, not just in his relationship with Jeno, but in everything he did. Yerim had informed him that she was moving in with her girlfriend, and selling her apartment, and Jaemin had come over to introduce him to his new boyfriend. Things were changing, but despite it all, Renjun was still wondering if he was someone Jeno needed around.

He was stuck wondering if in years from now, Jeno would still want him the way he wanted Jeno.

His apartment was quiet after Jeno left, feeling the emptiness of Renjun’s noiseless presence against the floorboards. He wanted the whispers of Jeno’s voice in his ear back, and the small puffs of breath Jeno releases when he sleeps. Renjun missed that all over again.

Over the years, he’s been sleeping alone, trapped to listen to his own breathing patterns, but after last night, he knew what his heart had been telling him all along. 

He was in love with all and any version of Jeno.

Before he could sit around the apartment and dwell on Jeno’s missed presence, a text came through from his manager, informing him that Donghyuck wanted to work with him again. 

He set off to the studio hours later, shrugging on his favourite jacket. It was one that Jeno’s mother had gifted him years ago; and he’d never let it stray from his possession since. 

“Afternoon.” He huffed, smiling lightly at his manager and Donghyuck in their rented practice room. His manager left moments later, informing Renjun that he could go home afterwards, but would need to be ready for a performance again tomorrow night.

“So,” He started, looking at Donghyuck, “Why do you want to work with me again?”

  
  
“Actually, I don’t.” Donghyuck responded, “I wanted to be friends, and I didn’t have your contacts past your manager so I called her and here we are.”

  
  
“Why didn’t you just ask her for my number? Would’ve saved me coming here.” Renjun muttered, hand on hip.

“Well, there’s a coffee shop opposite here so do you want to head there now?” Donghyuck asked, hope in his eyes.

Renjun nodded, exiting the room with Donghyuck following suit. His manager was long gone from sight, so they exited the studio without trouble and made their way inside the small coffee shop. Luckily for the both of them, it was empty aside from belongings scattered across a table that lacked an owner.

Renjun felt his heart leap into his throat when he recognised the items as property of Jeno. He mentally cursed himself for still remembering everything Jeno used when he worked, but also smiled at the fact that Jeno held onto the special pen Renjun gifted him for his nineteenth birthday. Pushing aside the fact that he was inside a shop with his ex lover— but simultaneously new lover?— and new colleague who he was sure wanted to get with him a few days ago, Renjun took a seat far from where Jeno was situated.

“So I was thinking,” Donghyuck started after taking a seat opposite Renjun, “Why did Jeno sit so close to you at the dinner the other night when those rumours are fake crap?”

  
  
“Well, they are fake crap.” Renjun shrugged, “We aren’t moving in together, or getting back together but we’ve been getting close I suppose.”

  
  
“How close?” Donghyuck asked, wiggling his eyebrows that looked way too good for Renjun’s liking.

Renjun sighed, looking at Donghyuck before looking around the coffee shop. As if time wanted him to suffer, he saw the bathroom door open and the same man who held him close hours ago walked through. Donghyuck was sat where he couldn’t see Jeno, and Renjun wanted to keep it that way, so instead of holding Jeno’s intense stare, he focused back on his friend and continued the conversation.

“We’re on speaking terms again,” Renjun said, leaving the truth out for him to dwindle on for a little longer.

There was something about keeping his feelings and experiences to himself that made him happy. He didn’t want to share them with people if they didn’t need to know, after all, it was his love and his life, he deserved to keep that private. Plus, there was something about loving Jeno in secret that made him feel giddy.

“That’s nice,” Donghyuck concluded, “Well, let’s see, what’s going on in my boring life aside from work?” 

Renjun laughed at the rhetorical question, “How about talk about work if you have nothing else?”

“Ok well, I have a new project soon writing for Lee Songhee,” Donghyuck rambled, “Have you heard of her?”

  
  
“Have I heard of her?” Renjun repeated with a tone that gave his answer away, “Of course I have! She’s one of the top artists in the industry, just because I’m in a different industry doesn’t mean I don’t know her.”

  
  
Donghyuck let out a chuckle, continuing to swirl his coffee around and talk about his projects. Renjun let his eyes flicker around the room as the conversation continued, and without doubt, they fell on Jeno, carefully analysing the latters’ moves. 

He appeared relaxed, but Renjun knew Jeno too well. He could tell by the way Jeno lightly bit his lip and held his pen tight that he was nervous, agitated even, and Renjun didn’t like that. He wanted to calm him, but as long as he was with Donghyuck, he couldn’t.

“Do you have any upcoming projects?” Donghyuck asked nonchalantly, hardly realising how distant Renjun was.

“Uh, not at the moment,” Renjun tried to focus on Donghyuck, “I just have shows this week as usual, but next week I have some days off. The theatre is booked out and since I’m always there, they told my manager they couldn’t fit me in.”

His eyes flicked back to Jeno’s seat, but the seat was empty. Jeno was gone. 

He sighed internally, turning away and pushing it to the back of his head. He shouldn’t be so focused on Jeno when Donghyuck was right in front of him.

The shop started to get more busy as they stayed longer, and before they could part ways, someone approached them.

“I’m sorry to interrupt but are you guys friends?” The girl who looked at least five years younger than Renjun asked.

“We are.” Donghyuck answered, “Do you want a signature or something?”

  
  
She nodded, pushing forward a book for them to sign. As Renjun watched Donghyuck scribble his signature across the pages, he observed the girl for a moment. She was most likely a fan who just happened to stumble across them, but there was something in her eye that was off-putting. 

“What’s your name?” He asked, trying to make conversation as Donghyuck started signing her phone case too.

“Park Mina,” She answered, “I’m a senior at the high school you used to attend.”

Renjun nodded, remembering the place he attended towards the end of his school years. Something still felt weird about this girl but Renjun couldn’t pinpoint it. Instead of dwelling, he took the book passed to him and began signing. 

“Did you see Lee Jeno in here before?” She asked, “I saw him exiting.”

  
  
Donghyuck’s eyebrows furrowed, “Jeno was here?”

  
  
Renjun shrugged, busying himself with his signature, “I didn’t see him.”

“Didn’t you two date?” She asked, “My mum has talked about you before, she was sure you two would get married. What happened?”

  
  
Renjun held in a sigh. He knew this girl was too young to understand boundaries, despite him understanding them as a teenager, so he pushed aside the mean words he wanted to spit and graced a smile across his face.

“Sometimes love turns into baggage that can’t be unpacked.” He responded, ignoring the look Donghyuck sent his way. If she was going to ask him unwanted questions, he was going to give unwanted answers.

After he finished signing, she scurried away, bowing a few times before disappearing from sight. Renjun turned to notice Donghyuck already looking at him.

“What?”

  
  
“You knew Jeno was here.”

  
  
Renjun shrugged, “Does it matter?”

  
  
“What’s the deal with you two?” 

Renjun shrugged again. He was sick of others wanting to know what his life was about. He realised maybe that’s what he liked most about performing with his back to the crowd, and without lyrics in his songs. 

Some of them held lyrics, but he never sang them. He wasn’t one to sing, instead, he let his fingers work the piano and tell the story through the soft sounds elicited from the instrument. 

Donghyuck eyed him longer, boring into him for an answer. 

“I think we’ve been out long enough,” Renjun said, standing up, “It was nice Donghyuck. Let’s definitely do this again if you promise to not pry into my private life.”

Without waiting for a response, Renjun tucked his hands into his jacket and walked out, beginning his trek back to his apartment.

He found himself walking off course from his place, down the trail that leads one to Jeno’s place. Not many thoughts went into his behaviour until he was knocking on Jeno’s door, rocking on his heels as he waited for an answer.

When the door opened, he felt something inside him relax. He was finally with the person who’d been on his mind all day.

“Hey Jun.” Jeno smiled, letting him in.

—

Renjun found himself between Jeno’s sheets again that night, grasping the latters’ waist as they let their bodies fit casually like puzzle pieces. Renjun laid awake for a bit, listening to Jeno’s soft breaths, knowing he’s ultimately fucked. He was so in love, his heart ached to even think about it.

He didn’t know where to go from there, but knew he needed Jeno by his side like this forever. He wouldn’t survive without Jeno in his life; these past two years had shown that much. He scanned Jeno’s face, letting his memory rid itself of the past memories and fill up with new ones. 

The moonlight from outside streamed into the room, lighting up the last breadths of Jeno’s room that Renjun felt inclined to call his too. 

Tonight was the second night he laid in a bed that wasn’t his, and he knew Jeno was far from belonging solely on his friends list. He realised that despite denying that they’re moving in or getting back together, that’s basically what they’re doing. 

The youngers’ eyes peeled open, meeting Renjun’s soft ones moments later.

“Why aren’t you asleep yet?” Jeno mumbled, bringing his hands up to rub his eyes.

“Distracted.” Renjun responded, moving his hands between his face and the pillow as Jeno rolled around the bed.

It was only eight pm, but they’d gotten into bed early, claiming that there was nothing else to do. Jeno had been the one to suggest it, and Renjun had been a blushing mess the entire walk to the room, and felt the blush creeping up again as Jeno crawled close to him.

“What were you distracted by?” He mumbled, eyes flickering between Renjun’s eyes and lips.

“You.” Renjun whispered, leaning forward to let their lips connect.

It was soft— so soft, Renjun felt himself losing brainpower to the sensation of Jeno’s lips against his. Jeno let his hand relax on Renjun’s waist, softly bunching his shirt between his fingers to keep him close. Renjun brought them closer by sliding his legs between Jeno’s, allowing space for them to slip even further into each others’ crevices and grooves. 

Jeno’s breathing turned heavy, and Renjun pulled away to let both of them breathe. 

“I’m so glad I came back.” Jeno mumbled, hiding his face in Renjun’s neck.

Renjun let out a soft gasp as Jeno planted a kiss on his neck, before closing his eyes and letting himself relish in the feeling of Jeno all over him. It felt so nice, Renjun was beyond grateful to have their relationship back.

“You know,” He puffed, “People have seen us together in public, and think we’re moving in together.”

  
  
“Why?” Jeno asked, pulling away to maintain eye contact.

Renjun paused for a moment to stare into Jeno’s eyes, getting lost in them before pushing his brain to spit out an answer.

“No idea, but Donghyuck told me about it.”

  
  
Jeno’s eyes moved to his lips for a split second, darting back to his eyes quickly.

“Why are you even with Donghyuck?” He asked, “I didn’t know you two knew each other.”

  
  
“We didn’t till a week before that dinner party,” He said, “Irene hooked us up because I wanted to produce a song with lyrics but I don’t write lyrics.”

  
  
Jeno nodded, pondering on it for a moment. Renjun took the silence as an excuse to pull Jeno closer, planting a kiss on his nose. 

“I wrote a few songs for you,” Jeno mumbled, “But I never let them be released or given to someone else.”

  
  
“Why not?”

  
  
“Because they’re special.” He responded, “They’re about you, I couldn’t just pass them off to someone who doesn’t understand anything about what those songs meant.”

  
  
“Can you show me them?” Renjun asked, delving himself further into a state of Jeno being his only thought.

“Tomorrow?” Jeno responded, leaning in to hide in Renjun’s neck again. Renjun felt a smile spread across Jeno’s lips when he agreed, feeling a sense of pride that those same lips were against his moments ago.


	5. Chapter Five

“Morning.” Jeno smiled, holding his hand out to pull Renjun out of bed. It’d been hours since Jeno got up, scrambling around his house to collate every song he’d written for the elder. There were papers everywhere in his writing room but locating which ones were for Renjun was easy. 

There were so many about Renjun, it was impossible to stumble upon one that wasn’t.

Jeno knew his actions across the years in terms of keeping them together had been selfish. He hadn’t been in the right mindspace to do anything other than his wrong actions, but he was better now, he knew what he wanted now. He knew that a life without Renjun was one that would lead to more dread than he’d been feeling with Renjun.

Their relationship sincerely felt like something new after such extended time apart. Jeno knew their situation wasn’t ideal, but everything about Renjun made him feel warm and loved. Despite his inner turmoil, he needed Renjun. He just hoped Renjun needed him too.

“How long was I asleep for?” Renjun asked, shyly grasping his hands. 

“It’s been three hours since I woke up,” Jeno replied, “I’ve got the songs ready that I wrote for you.”

“Oh.” Renjun looked surprised, as if he didn’t expect Jeno to actually show him.

Jeno disregarded it with a smile, dragging Renjun out of the bedroom and into his lounge room instead. The couch dipped under their combined weight, and Renjun’s cheeks heated red when Jeno grabbed a stack of paper that he assumed was every song he’d written about Renjun.

“That’s a lot Jeno.” He noted.

“Like I said,” Jeno smirked, “I fell in love with you from afar all over again.”

  
  
Renjun still didn’t know how to feel about that. He’d tried to be alright with it, tried to forget about how unfair it was, but it was something that weighed him down a lot. He needed to discuss it with Jeno, but there was nothing he could do about reversing Jeno’s past actions. 

He had to let it go if he wanted them to move forward.

Jeno laid the stack on his lap, picking up a few pages at once that Renjun assumed were a complete song. Nervousness overwhelmed him as he realised he’d read something so intimate right in front of the creator. Renjun didn’t realise how nerve wracking it’d be until the papers were in his hands and his eyes were reading the words.

It was worded beautifully, Jeno always had a knack for creating songs similar to poetry, and each line held a meaning that made Renjun’s heart stutter.

He could feel Jeno’s nervousness from how he was sitting still unlike normal, keeping his hands tightly tucked under his thighs as he pulled his lips between his teeth. Renjun hated to see him on edge, but this time it warmed his heart, showing him how much these words meant to Jeno.

Renjun put the papers aside when he was done reading, looking at Jeno whose eyes read curiosity and apprehension. Renjun recognised this expression from years ago when Jeno would present him with a gift. It was endearing, but it worried him at the same time because he didn’t want Jeno to overanalyse his response. 

“I love it,” He mumbled, “Some of it pains me, but for the most part, I really love it. I don’t know how many times I need to remind you that your songwriting ability is amazing.”

  
  
Jeno blushed, smiling sheepishly in such an endearing way that Renjun felt his heart skip a beat. He moved his hands to grab Jeno’s, trying his hardest to make Jeno feel the genuity in his words.

“I just hope you love me as much as you love my work.” Jeno said, staring at their hands.

“I never stopped loving you either Jeno,” Renjun squeezed their hands, “I thought we were over so I tried to not attach myself to someone who wasn’t there, it didn’t work obviously, but you’re back now and I’m happy again. I know I tend to hide my feelings a lot, but you can’t blame me.”

  
  
Jeno nodded, “I understand I made it hard on you, but I hope we can move forward differently.”

“How different?” Renjun tilted his head.

“I want to forget the past,” He said, “At least the bad parts.”

  
  
Renjun nodded, “It’ll be hard, but okay. I can do that.”

Jeno smiled, standing up abruptly, “I wanna take you somewhere then.”

Renjun followed Jeno out the door and into his car after freshening himself up, throwing himself into appropriate clothes. He looked out the window as Jeno drove around the neighbourhood, stopping outside the same restaurant they had their final date at. 

They sat inside quietly, ordering before anything else. Renjun felt nostalgic in the restaurant as they used to spend a majority of their dinner dates here, but he tried his hardest to forget about that and replace those memories with the new ones to come. Jeno held his hand across the table, smiling softly as they waited for their food.

As Renjun waited, he thought about the songs Jeno had shown him earlier. There was a particular song that stuck out in his mind, finding a special place in his heart. 

“Hey,” Jeno interrupted his thoughts, “Are we going to put labels on this?”

  
  
Renjun realised that officially Jeno isn’t his boyfriend. He’d been too busy thinking about their past and their relationship going forward that he forgot they hadn’t even made things official.

“Do you want to put labels on it?” Renjun asked, letting go of Jeno’s hand after realising that they’re in public and could end up as another headline.

“I don’t see the need for them yet,” He said, “It’ll just complicate things, don’t you think?”

Renjun didn’t think it would, but he didn’t mind either. He wasn’t in a rush for Jeno to be his boyfriend, he just wanted Jeno by his side again. Falling was different for everyone, but Renjun was always mature about it. Labels meant nothing to him, it wasn’t about having a boyfriend for him. It was about having Jeno. 

Renjun wanted nothing more than the man who sat in front of him, sparkles floating across his eyes, to be with him for as long as Renjun was alive. There was nothing going for Renjun if Jeno wasn’t in his life. A piano could only take him so far.

“You’re thinking too hard again,” Jeno noted, thanking the waitress who brought over their food, “Tell me what’s on your mind.”

  
  
Renjun could already feel the difference in their relationship. Past Jeno never asked about his thoughts, rather letting Renjun indulge himself in the world created in his head. He smiled to himself at the difference, knowing these new gestures came with maturity and a better understanding of how to love someone.

“You’ve matured, Jeno.” Renjun mumbled, digging into his food. 

Jeno blushed, following Renjun’s actions of eating. He had more to say, but they had plenty of time to talk. Neither of them were leaving anytime soon this time.

The dinner was nostalgic but not because of the restaurant anymore. Renjun felt his heart returning to the state it was in two years ago, staring at Jeno whose eyes crinkled whenever he let out a laugh. 

He knew he’d begun to fall when Jeno came back, but he realised his feelings had never faltered across the years. They just tucked themselves away so Renjun could focus on his own life. Jeno coming back was their cue to stop hiding.

“I’ve got one more place to take you before we go home,” Jeno smiled, leading Renjun to the counter so he could pay. 

As they walked out, Jeno grasped Renjun’s hand and squeezed tightly, directing him away from the car that sat parked in the restaurants’ near empty parking lot. Renjun ran along with whatever plan Jeno had up his sleeve, admiring the lights that radiated from the buildings, illuminating them amongst the night sky. It reminded him of the movies, when the couple finally reach the end of their story and have happily jumped over all the obstacles that lay in their way throughout the movie.

Renjun’s life was far from a perfect movie, but when Jeno pulled him into a familiar building filled with soft, eloquent music, Renjun felt his heart burst in his chest. Jeno smiled at him, releasing a soft giggle at Renjun’s reaction.

“Your mothers’ ballet plaza?” His voice was so quiet Jeno almost didn’t catch what he’d said.

Jeno nodded, pulling Renjun onto the dance floor. The plaza was empty tonight as Jeno had planned with his mother, prior to their date, to have a private event just for himself and Renjun.

His arms wrapped around Renjun’s tiny frame, and in a daze, Renjun let his arms wrap around Jeno’s neck. Their bodies glided together, having the entire floor to themselves as Jeno had organised. 

He felt at home when he laid his head on Jeno’s shoulder, feeling their breath mix. His lips begged for Jeno’s, but their position was too comfortable for Renjun to move. He needed to let himself lay in Jeno’s soft embrace for a bit, basking in every second of Jeno’s warm presence. 

He’d never felt more in love up to now.

“I love you Jeno,” Renjun whispered, swaying his body against Jeno’s.

He didn’t need to hear it back, although he really wanted to, as he knew Jeno loved him. If he didn’t, Jeno would’ve moved on and never came back even after two years of separation. He was proud of how far they’d come, and now he just wished for everything to be alright.

“I love you too.” Jeno mumbled into his hair.

—

The next few days went by without much thought. Renjun was in and out of performances, residing into Jeno’s arms at night. A routine was forming, he could see that, but he didn’t want to confront it. He didn’t  _ need  _ to confront it, just like he decided they didn’t need to place labels on their relationship with each other the other day.

He did have to discuss night arrangements with Jeno however, because it’d been days since he’d slept in his own bed and he didn’t like that he was putting money towards bills when he wasn’t using the utilities.

When he woke up on Friday morning in Jeno’s bed, he found the younger in his mini studio next to his bedroom.

“Hey,” He greeted, sitting beside Jeno. The air was comfortable and soft, he enjoyed feeling like they were the only ones in the whole world, “Sleep well?”

  
  
Jeno nodded, strumming his guitar quietly. Renjun sat there for a while longer, listening to Jeno play an unfamiliar tune. Eventually, he set the guitar aside and paid attention to Renjun.

“Want breakfast?”

  
  
Renjun shook his head, “Actually we need to talk about this sleeping over gig we’ve got going.”

Jeno raised his eyebrow.

“I have my own place Jeno,” Renjun continued, “I’m never there anymore. I can’t keep up with the bills if I’m not going over there for days at a time.”

Jeno nodded, looking away for a moment to think of what to say. Renjun waited with anticipation, looking at Jeno’s free hands that he desperately wanted to hold in his own.

“Move in with me.” Jeno said.

Renjun tried to hide his baffled expression, but it was hard when he didn’t expect anything along the lines of  _ that _ . Jeno lived alone, so he realised company was probably something he was looking for.

“Don’t you think it’s a bit soon?” He argued, trying to fight the nerves inside himself. Jeno’s hand was there as a reassuring touch, and Renjun melted into it. 

“I suppose,” Jeno responded nonchalantly, “But I doubt you’d take sleeping alone every night just to pay for an entire apartment yourself when you can move in with me, split the bills and if you get sick of sleeping beside me, there’s a spare bedroom.”

Renjun cracked a smile, squeezing Jeno’s hand, “I could never get sick of sleeping next to you.”

Jeno’s expression turned serious after he said that, “I know that, but we’re human, sometimes alone time is good.”

Renjun nodded, Jeno was right, and he didn’t want to disregard that when he realised now how important being alone was to Jeno. Renjun saw being alone as a time to relax and not worry about social cues, but for Jeno, it was a time to reflect and think about the present and future. At least that’s what Renjun thought.

Jeno was hard to read and understand, especially after he left without much explanation and came back years later with a shifted personality. It wasn’t a huge shift, but it was enough for Renjun to notice the change. Jeno had truly matured across the past few years, and Renjun was proud that he took time alone to allow for that maturation.

He leaned forward to connect their lips for a moment, before standing up to exit the room. Jeno sat on the seat alone, with a small pout across his lips.

“I’ll make breakfast,” Renjun said, “Join me if you want.”

Jeno trailed behind him with a smile, rushing into the kitchen to pull out his pancake mixture, holding it up to Renjun who smiled and agreed to the idea of having pancakes. As they cooked together, moving around the kitchen elegantly, they managed to make enough pancakes for both of them in less than twenty minutes.

Jeno spoke up again when they were sitting, eating quietly.

“So, was that a yes to moving in?” He tilted his head softly.

Renjun smiled, swallowing a piece of his pancake, “Yes, it was. But I need to sell my apartment first, and pack everything up.”

Jeno nodded, “I can help with that.”

  
  
Renjuns’ smile got bigger, and it made Jeno’s heart skip a beat, feeling overwhelmed by the happiness radiated from the one person he wanted to always see happy. 

Renjun set off for his studio again after leaving Jeno’s apartment with a peck on his cheek and a promise to be back later. Jeno resided in his own mini studio, calling his manager to ask if he had anything to get done by the end of the week.

Renjun’s studio was the same as always; quiet and meek. He stepped into a rented room, finding his manager next to Donghyuck by the piano. She was talking as he lightly pressed the keys in front of him.

“Am I interrupting something?” Renjun asked, standing opposite his manager with his elbow propped up on top of the piano. 

“No,” Irene said, “I’ll be off now. I was just telling Donghyuck about your schedule for the next week.”

After she’d left, Renjun turned to the latter, remembering the words he spewed before storming out of the coffee shop a week ago. He suddenly felt embarrassed for his actions, but tried to put himself past it.

“Why are you here again?” He asked.

Donghyuck looked up from the keys, staring at Renjun for a moment before beginning to speak. Renjun held his breath as he listened to the person he wanted to call his friend.

“I wanted to apologise,” Donghyuck uttered, “I was invasive, I realise that now and I’m truly sorry for acting that way. I thought we were closer than we were and I was curious.”

Renjun nodded, “It’s fine, you meant no harm.” He took a seat beside the younger on the piano, “If you do want to know, Jeno asked me to move in with him.”

  
  
Donghyuck’s expression feigned shock and excitement, “So the rumours were true?”

  
  
Renjun laughed, “He asked me this morning Donghyuck, so no, the rumours are not true. We aren’t official yet but we’re definitely something,” Renjun smiled to himself at that statement, feeling overwhelmed with euphoria at the thought of meaning something to Jeno, “He asked me to move in with him as I’m already staying over practically every night.”

“Oh wow,” Donghyuck bit back a smile, “So are you going to move in with him?”

Renjun nodded, ignoring the keys that laid beneath his fingertips. He didn’t need the piano to elicit his thoughts and feelings anymore, he just needed to think of Jeno and remember they’re okay now. Jeno was the one who stayed in his mind at all times, pushing him to smile even when he didn’t want to.

“I need to organise my apartment, and sell it, but until then, I trust you to keep this a secret.” Renjun looked at Donghyuck, “I don’t want my relationship with Jeno on the headline of every news article, okay?”

  
  
“Of course Renjun,” Donghyuck patted him on the back, “So when can I meet Jeno?”

  
  
Renjun scoffed, “Haven’t you met already?”

  
  
Donghyuck thought about it for a moment, “Yeah. But it was under weird circumstances, I don’t think he liked me very much when we first met.”

  
  
“Well I’m sure he’d be willing to fix that if you were to meet him again. He was probably just intimidated.” Renjun responded, not wanting to make a big deal out of something that was also in the past.

After he parted ways with Donghyuck that evening, he made his way to the performance hall that he was scheduled to perform at again. 

He wondered how much longer he’d keep up with these night performances until he’d have enough of it. The crowd seemed to change every night, and always had a different response to his performance, but they always loved him. That was enough to keep Renjun on stage, but he knew one day, he’d stop. 

He would retire like every other person in any industry does, and he’d reside in his home next to the love of his life. The thought of spending the rest of his days next to Jeno sounded amazing, but he realised he was too young to retire any time soon. 

He wondered where’d he go next after he stops performing in front of crowds with his back turned, fingers gracing the piano eloquently for hours on end.

That was the thing about life, it starts and stops. There’s always an end. Renjun realised how lucky he was to have Jeno back, and how their love managed to pursue through the inevitability of an end. He believed with every passing day, their love wasn’t reaching closer to the end, rather it was blossoming into a bigger beginning.

He could see himself with Jeno for a very long time, and hoped his wishes for the future would come true.

When he turned around after his performance to bow at the crowd, he knew his wish was already working as Jeno sat in the front seat, holding the same flowers as the first time round. The only thing that was different now was Renjun knew he’d walk off stage into Jeno’s arms, and there’d be nothing holding them back from expressing their love for each other. 

After all, he didn’t have to worry about the fearful thought of Jeno not needing him anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this marks the end of this series!! thank you for reading and supporting this small journey of noren getting back together <3 i hope you enjoyed it!!
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/aurensle?s=21) [cc](https://curiouscat.qa/aurensle)

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! 
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/aurensle?s=21) [cc](https://curiouscat.qa/aurensle)


End file.
